Jonny January, Oh Mammy… (Jon #7)

Oh la la la la la!! I’ve confessed my weakness for pretty faces but Jonny has a new category all to himself: Perfection. (You’ll note that I do not get upset about the adolescent use of the “y” at the end of his name…) Picture a billboard ad for Dolce & Gabbana. Picture flipping through a Men’s Health or GQ magazine and picking the best possible body and face. Seriously, I’m not even exaggerating. 6’5” 215 lbs. olive skin, black hair, perfect lips, nose and bedroom eyes. Holy shit almighty. The body is like something I’ve only seen in print. He inspired the desire to sculpt his form, do a charcoal sketch – even write poetry (and I hate poetry). Christ – I could go on for days. I actually feel the need to brag about him – like a conquest. He’s 34 (7 years my junior). Maggie says that “Cougars” are the new blondes. Being blonde, I reckon that makes me a Deluxe Cougar. Maggie’s theory could explain why I do, on occasion get contacted by younger, gorgeous men. I usually ignore them but Jonny was too much to ignore. Those smoldering eyes… meow!
It was clear from the get-go that he wasn’t contacting me for a relationship and frankly, I didn’t care. He wasn’t vulgar or rude – on the contrary, he was nice and polite. We had a short discussion about kissing skills and how you can tell how sensual someone is by the way they kiss. He also spoke about tantric sex – which frankly, made me blush. Again, he wasn’t vulgar – more matter-of-fact about it all. We planned to meet for a glass of wine over by his apartment in Beverly Hills. When I arrived and saw him in person, I just about wet myself. How on earth could this perfect specimen be interested in me?? I’m not hideous, but certainly not in league with this man. He suggested we go up to his place for the wine. Gee – that was a hard sell. His apartment was very nice – nicely furnished, very modern and minimal. I attempted the usual conversation techniques but my ability to form coherent sentences was impeded by the constant stream of drool running down my chin. I told him that I remembered him. He had contacted me on a different website, about 4 years earlier. He was amazed. I asked him about boxing and the expression “southpaw”, which for some reason stuck with me. He told me that this was the expression for a left hander and that yes, he used to box (this info wasn’t on his current profile). He struggled for a minute to remember me but I told him that I recall we had exchanged a few emails and he asked me for my number. He had called, but I was at work and couldn’t talk. We never connected after that. We agreed that it was some weird kind of fate that he found me again, 4 years later. Fate-shmate – I remembered him because he was a fucking hottie. I remember thinking at the time, the same thing I thought now – what does he want with me?? Evidently, I’m consistently his type – but still not sure what that means. I was able to glean that he was a personal trainer and did do some occasional modeling (duh). In retrospect, I suspect he was an escort – but I digress… He was local (Long Beach) and lovely. I was so nervous. He said he preferred to be with “older” women and that he likes shapes that were very feminine like mine: curvy and not skinny. With the aid of 2 glasses of wine, I was able to relax a bit as we chatted. He was drinking scotch on the rocks (yuck). He had all the man- lair accoutrements: a small bar-cart in the corner with Cognac, Scotch and such, a large flat screen TV over the fireplace (the fireplace was lit for maximum seduction quotient), a humidor for his cigars on the coffee table, designer pillows on his ultra-modern sofa and a desk with a Mac in place of a dining table.
To keep this a PG-13 rating, I won’t get too heavy-duty. To put it this way, as irony would have it, Jonny’s (who was part Italian, part Polish & Czech – a slav!) surname was just one letter off from the Czech slang word for “pussy”. Well, he took his name to heart. He was an admirer. He was a fan. He was the embassador of female ejaculation and wouldn’t rest until he could prove my potential to…er, ejaculate. He convincingly demonstrated his tantric techniques. Suffice it to say, he proved my potential – thoroughly – for and hour and a half. And then again 10 minutes later for another half an hour. Damn, I love those energy-filled youngins. When I dressed, we hugged and said good-night.
I sang with the radio – loudly – all the way home. I laughed like a mad woman at the stoplights. When I got home, I slept poorly. I should have had big glass of vino before going to bed but, I was too shaken to think straight. Fortunately it was Friday night, and I had all of Saturday to sleep it off. Strangely enough, this happen to fall on a weekend when I was booked up the yin-yang. I had had a date with Carlos (not much of a story there) on Wednesday, met with Studmuffin-Jonny on Friday, I was actually going to see Jon #4 on Saturday night for our movie date (duh! of course there’s overlap – keep up!) and had a date with Ray, the moderately attractive Filipino on Sunday night. This isn’t a normal schedule for me – in fact – this is a record. My previous record was a mere three dates in one week. In any case, as I played piano Saturday afternoon – waiting for my much-anticipated meeting with Jon #4, I received a text from Jonny asking if I was available that evening! WTF?!? I had felt certain that our sex-fest was a one night thing. I had prepared myself for this and had grown comfortable with the idea. I was shocked to hear from Pussy-Man again. I told him, that I was not available – but that I had been thinking about him all day. He asked if I was sure I couldn’t get away for just an hour or two, later. Damn! I realize this is an issue to be resolved between me and my shrink, what on earth could this Adonis want with me?!? It continues – to this day – to perplex me (guess the therapy is not working). I told him no. I was too enthralled with Jon #4 – feeling drawn to him for some inexplicable reason – to cancel or cut it short. I envisioned a Sunday brunch roll in the hay, so I offered Sunday morning or afternoon. He said that he would be leaving town, back on Wednesday or Thursday. I told him that we’d have to get together then. Of course, you know how the evening with Jon#4 went. I was on cloud nine on Sunday. Just in time for my first date with Ray. He seemed like a really nice guy. I’m not ordinarily attracted to Asian men, but he seemed pretty appealing so, I thought I’d see how I would feel in person. Unfortunately, I was completely under the influence of the Jon’s – poor sucker didn’t have a chance. At 4:00 Sunday evening, I received another text from Jonny asking if I was free that evening! He said that his trip to Vegas was postponed. I told him that I could be there by 8:30. Ray and I were supposed to go out for dinner and a movie but, I texted him that something came up (in Jonny’s pants!!) and that it would have to be dinner only. I was feeling cocky – ha! Cocky! Dinner with Ray was fun – nice guy – just didn’t find him as attractive as I had hoped I would. I didn’t rush – I swear! I even took us to a shaved ice place, where I paid (!) for dessert. I bid Ray a goodnight – he boldly went for a small kiss (peck) goodnight (unusual). Then I drove like friggin’ Mario Andretti to get over to Beverly Hills to Mr. Pussy.
Of course, it was lovely visit. He seemed pretty distracted but he mentioned something in passing about me staying night sometime. I didn’t believe it. I squeezed that legendary ass on the way out thinking that this then, would be the last time I would see him. Little did I know that I would see him twice more (as of writing anyway, saw him 3 days ago). He is my kryptonite and I have no intention of giving up that little slice of heaven unless I have to. No matter what my shrink says. I still wonder what on earth he would want with me. If my theory – that he is an escort – is true, wouldn’t he be getting all the tail he wants? Was he taking me on as a pro-bono case? Ha! Pro bono!

Team Edward (John #6)

One should never fail to note small peculiarisms. Keep them in a mental file because later on you’ll say, “I should have seen that coming”. John #6 had some nice travel photos posted – I’d like to find someone that enjoys traveling as much as I do. He was decent looking enough – a little chunky but, that’s okay. We IM’d after exchanging some emails. I learned that his Golden Retriever was a star. (Here we go again, someone else in the “industry”…) He recited his dogs impressive credentials – various movies, TV shows, commercials, etc. He was a stage dad to a dog! I love dogs – I truly am the biggest animal lover – but this was decidedly un-sexy. But, he had a real job besides the schlepping the dog all over town so, I let it slide. He had attempted some sexual innuendo but, I did not encourage it as I was still reeling from Jon #5.
Seldom do I not speak on the phone with a guy prior to meeting him. Sometimes, I just like to “go for it” and just meet and see how it goes without wasting hours yapping on the phone. I felt this way about John – let’s just go for it. He suggested we meet for dinner at the Rainforest Café at Downtown Disney (he lived in East Orange County). I thought it sounded like a fun idea…. for a 7 year old. I told him that I didn’t want to go that far and asked if he could come closer to me. He suggested Bubba Gump in Long Beach (see a pattern?). Another adolescent choice, but I liked the food there so, it was agreed upon. He called me an hour before to say he was running a little late – it was the first time I had heard is voice. And it was a smidge…effeminate. Too late to back out now… We met in front of the restaurant and I saw that Online Math had struck again. His stated 5”10” was closer to 5’8” and he had gained about 30 pounds since the photo in Paris he posted. (sigh….) I thought the camera was supposed to add 10 lbs, not reality. Anyway, he wrapped his arm around me and steered me into the movie-themed restaurant. We sat and talked. Not only was his voice slightly effeminate, so were his mannerisms. He kept reaching across the table to hold my hands. I snatched them back. He was very generous, insisting I order whatever I wanted. We couldn’t agree on an appetizer so, he insisted we order both. He was jolly as he told me about his dog’s career and how, when this one dies, he will do it all over again. He showed me pictures of the dog. He was admittedly, a fine looking Golden Retriever. We talked about movies – seeing as we were being instructed how to use our “Stop Forrest Stop” and “Run Forrest Run” paddles used to hail the waitress – it seemed like an appropriate topic. I named some of mine: “Young Frankenstein”, “A Fish Called Wanda”, “Elizabeth”, “Braveheart”. He named some of his favorites: the Twilight series, the Harry Potter series and the Narnia movies. I was a little surprised by his choices. Most men usually declare “The Godfather” to be their favorite movie or maybe “The Shawshank Redemption”. I kidded with him, “What are you a 13 year old girl??”. (I know, not too subtle…) He took the ribbing well. I told him that I had seen the first 2 Twilight movies but that I hadn’t really enjoyed them too much. In earnest he asked, “Are you Team Edward or Jacob?” Silent and with my mouth ajar, he clarified, “You know, are you for the vampires or the werewolves?” “Uhhhh…..I hadn’t given it much thought, actually. But I guess, vampire?” He seemed pleased by my chosen side. The rest of the evening was spent chatting about Lord knows what, because I had shut down. He walked me to my car after dinner and gave him a quick hug. I almost wanted to walk to his car to see if he had the Mickey Mouse antenna ball or maybe a My Little Pony on his dashboard. I thanked him profusely for the nice dinner. When he emailed the next day, I broke it to him as gently as I could, that I didn’t think we were a good match. I didn’t elaborate.

Jon the Turk/Jerk (Jon #5)

Living in Los Angeles, it’s inevitable to come across – on nearly day a daily basis, someone that is either in the entertainment industry, in a field relating to the industry or desperately trying to get into the industry. We’re the land of Hollywood for crissakes. Jon did some voice over work, was supposedly a comedian and did some acting (probably kraft services too…). He had that confident-cocky charm I’m attracted to despite being only moderately attractive. When a guy lives far from me, I know it’s reasonable to meet half way. Of course I prefer to meet closer to me and to be honest, a real gentleman will always offer to come my way. Perhaps this is one of those subconscious judging categories – I can size a man up by how willing he is to inconvenience himself more than me. In this case, Jon got poor marks. He lived all the way in the Valley and insisted we meet in Brentwood – which is just over the hill from him but, about 45 minutes for me. Had he not said we were meeting for sushi, I would have insisted on something a smidge more South. I waited for him at the bar. He was 20 minutes late. (Did I mention that the restaurant was much closer to him than me?) Anything more than 10 minutes late is rude in my book – the only exception being if the man is coming from quite a distance (i.e. coming to Manhattan Beach from Irvine). When he arrived, I noted that some of that online dating math had worked it’s magic. Suddenly 5’11” became 5’6”! Truly a wonderful trick! He came right over and wrapped his arms around me in an all-encompassing bear hug. He smelled of too much cologne.
We chatted nicely, laughing often. He was pretty entertaining, actually. He had a good sense of humor – which can make any man more attractive in my eyes. He was a little too touchy feely – which I don’t like. He didn’t order anything to eat but – I know this tactic: he thinks by not ordering anything, I wouldn’t either. Yeah- right! I had come all this way under the pretense of having dinner – so I didn’t eat before going out – so dammit, I’m going to order something. I am a light eater though, so I just ordered some edamame and a small California roll. We seemed to be getting along okay – like I said, he made me laugh. He walked me to my car afterwards and was all over me. I gave him a quick peck but this guy was going for the full macking. I pushed him away and said “that’s enough for a first date”. He felt the need to explain his obvious horniness on being overly affectionate (he said it was a “Turkish Thing”). We said “good night”.
It’s funny – when a person behaves aloof, they almost trick you into thinking that they’re something special. The next days we emailed and he took his time replying to me. I agreed to a second date (although in retrospect, I’m not sure why). I suppose I found him amusing, albeit overly horny, and I was test-driving a new dating theory introduced by Maggie: “Date ‘em until you hate ‘em”. Well, I didn’t hate him. Yet.
So, this time I asserted myself a bit more and asked him to come to my neck of the woods. I suggested we go for a walk down by the beach and then hop into one of the many places down in Hermosa Beach. He had no interest in that plan because he was going to be at the beach all day with his brother. He tried suggesting that I go up there again, I told him “no”. We negotiated dinner & a movie. So, he came down - late, again – this time by 40 minutes. He bitched and moaned about the distance and the heavy traffic. Cry me a river, a-hole. Here’s where I am going to sound like a materialistic jerk but, I’m really not. His car was a messy piece of shit. Falling apart, cluttered, piece of merde, mierda, sheisse, shit-box. Now – I really don’t care if you have an older car as long as you take care of it. But seriously, to me there is something wrong with a 45 year old man driving around in a crapper. I’m a single mom without the luxury of child support and even my car is decent. When a middle-aged man (ex-wifeless and childless, I might add) drives a P.O.S., he’s saying: “I’m not conducting my life properly”. So anyway…we were going to have dinner and a movie but because he was so late, we could only grab a drink at the bar and split some fries. Hey – wait a second…maybe this was another paying-for-dinner-avoidance tactic I didn’t know about – hey! This guy is good! Sitting at the bar, we drank and chatted. It was then I noticed something I didn’t really take note of the first evening. This guys was really loud. He broke into his impression of a “kvetching jew” really loud. I had to shoosh him! As soon as he came off of that routine, he jumped into the next – this time engaging the attractive black couple next to him down the bar. Now, picture a bar. I am sitting in position #1, Jon is #2 and the couple is #3 & #4. He launched into a full Q & A with these poor people. Keep in mind though, that I’m at the end of the bar and he has now turned his body to completely face them, thereby also blocking my ability to lean forward to be kept part of the conversation. He asked them how long they’ve been married, where they were from (they had an “Island” accent), how many children they had – they had none – why? Then we were privy to one of their internal marriage struggles as she wanted kids but wasn’t ready yet. I gleaned all of this by weaving my head back and forth to peer into the occasional gaps left as Jon the Comedian bobbed his head around entertaining them. Finally, I gave up trying to be included and just finished my drink. I summoned the bartender, got our bill and pushed it the direction of guy with his back to me. He paid, bid his new best friends (who looked thankful we were leaving) a good night and we rushed to our movie.
The previews had already started – I hate missing the previews!! We passed irritated patrons as we side-stepped our way to one of that last pairs of seats available. I settled into my seat, happy for this break from his yapper. We watched the movie. He really leaned towards me so, I linked arms with him. About 15 minutes later – he tries to kiss me! During the movie?!? What are we – 15?!?! Get the fuck outta here! I pushed him away – trying to hide my annoyance. He kept a hand on my knee – fortunately he didn’t not attempt to go exploring – I think he might have sensed that he would have lost a finger had he tried. After the movie, we walked back to his car. He suggested we go walk on the beach. What?? I told him that if he didn’t mind, I’d like him to take me home. When we pulled into my driveway, he suggested that he come up to “hang out”. What??? I told him no, that I was tired and would like to call it an evening. He was aghast. He protested that he had driven “all this way” and that it was still early (11:00). I insisted on leaving his vehicle as he protested. I scurried through my security gate and went straight to my computer to write him a “thanks, but no thanks” email.
I wrote:
"Thanks for coming down tonight and thanks for the drink and the movie. You're a really sweet guy but, I don't think you're right for me.
Lots of luck to you."
The next day, he wrote:
"I know why you acted like that at the end of the night. You thought by me asking to just come over to your condo I was just looking for A GOOD TIME. Well..I was not.
Just was tired from the beach...and wanted to see a movie and then chill with a few drinks instead of doing the bar scene.
The worst thing that would have happened is I would have maybe kissed you more...and possibly a foot massage.(I liked your pedicure).. You would have fallen a sleep any ways after that...so...
You did not mention we should go to the beach or somewhere after the movie...I may have been up to it.
I am just an affectionate guy(Turkish thing)..so that is why I hold hands in the theater and flirt with you. You seemed into it(holding my arm)...especially of what you said when I picked you up...you like to please guys to a point.. etc.
I know you did the Pink color and the manicure for me...sandals..etc..so you didn't have to deny it....thought it was sweet!!.
So...glad you had some laughs with me....and get back to me if you want to get together again...except near me this time.:)
If not..take care and good luck"

Okay – in my defense – I told him that I was going for a pedicure the day before and I asked him what color he liked. That is what I meant by “pleasing guys to a point”. Geez talk about misinterpreting signals: my holding his arm meant that I wanted his tongue in my mouth in a crowded movie theater! My wearing sandals on a Summer day with a fresh pedi in the color of his choosing meant that I was his to fondle and molest! My wanting to call it an evening and not have him up to my condo and rushing to write him a “good bye” email had nothing at all to do with him being a total asshole! Ick.

Sling Blade Jon (Jon #4)

Gut instinct is a really a gift: a biological present that says, “Hey! Listen up! I’ve got a read on this situation here…”. What a pity that I usually choose to ignore my gut. Sometimes, you just know what you’re getting into when you look at a person. You just know. When I get that feeling, I stupidly talk myself out of it, telling myself I’m being too judgmental or overly cautious. Just like John #2, when I saw Jon #4’s picture I saw: Trouble. Like I hadn’t been bruised badly enough by the John #2 debacle… ugh. But Jon have that easy, confident smile and wore these adorable dark rimmed glasses. He was tall – I love tall and seemed fun. After several emails over several weeks with bouts of no contact, and no hint at speaking or meeting - I suspected Jon was a guy just looking for an email flirt. It seemed strange to me – why bother? We went off and on like this for 2 months. I didn’t push meeting nor did I hold my breath that he would initiate a meeting despite his repeated suggestions that we should meet for “checkers and tea”. Earlier on, I had joked with him by asking him if “checkers” was code for something else. The tone of sexual innuendo was set and continued over the 2 months. He asked me for my number but then never called. A couple of weeks later, he emailed me again. I didn’t respond because I had had enough of his games. He sent another email when I didn’t reply asking me if he had “blown it” with me. I teased that I was just playing hard to get. He said he swore he would call this time and he did. We had a lively chat – lots of laughing and joking. As I had suspected, we seemed very compatible. The phone call turned into some emails while still on the phone, where unexpectedly sent me a picture titled “pure art”. He had sent me an “artsy” self (nude!) portrait of himself! When I opened the picture with him still on the phone I screamed. He did not expect this reaction. We laughed and he apologized, not thinking I would take offense. I doctored the picture up a bit – with various photo finishes to make it more artsy and sent it back to him. He was so funny, smart and interesting that I went along with it all. So much so that before the end of the evening I had sent him an “artsy” shot of me!
We arranged to meet the following evening but it had turned into a sexual encounter rather than a real date. In hindsight, I’m not sure why I agreed to it, but it was fun. It’s not what I had intended while getting to know him but, obviously that’s all he wanted. We met another kink-fest after that and that was fun too. He texted me frequently though I had no idea how it could possibly go the direction I truly wanted it to. He kept up sporadic contact for a couple months after we met until he invited me over one evening to watch a movie as a kind of “restart”. Instead of watching a movie, we talked and talked (we hadn’t done much of that on our two prior “dates”) and laughed and laughed. The evening had gone so well, I felt very optimistic. He had shared a lot of personal stuff with me – like he was a recovering pill addict – clean for 9 months. We talked about past relationships, about our kids, about everything. “Slingblade” happen to come on while we were talking and he broke into superb Billy Bob Thornton impression. I performed my Fat Bastard impression. A good time was had. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t fool around with him but I didn’t have to worry, he didn’t make a move. After 5 straight hours of talking, he walked me to my car and gave me a big hug. He texted me the next day, saying how nice it was. Then I never heard from him again.